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An old farmer and his wife went to the zoo, and when they saw the hippopotamus, the farmer said, “What a strange fish, ain’t it, ma?” His wife corrected him, saying, “That ain’t a fish. It’s a reptile.” This led to a heated argument, with the wife chasing the husband with her umbrella. The farmer found himself in the lion’s cage, hiding behind the largest lion, while his wife furiously shook her umbrella at him from the other side of the bars, calling him a coward.
“I’m dying, go to Fannie… tell her I loved her. And Jennie… tell her the same.”
A Tennessee farmer bought a gallon jug of whiskey and tagged it with a five of hearts. When he returned later, the jug was gone. The grocer explained, “Jim Slocum showed up with a six of hearts and claimed your jug as his!”
Dear Teacher, Please give my son easier homework. Last time, he brought home a math problem about gallons and pints that left us drowning in beer! We even had to buy a keg to figure it out. Next time, let’s stick to water, my wallet can’t handle another ‘brew-tal’ challenge!”
“The fancy maid told her rich mistress, ‘There’s a Mendicant at the door.’ The mistress replied, ‘Tell him we’ve got nothing left to mend!'”
A nervous woman hopped into a taxi. The car shot forward, narrowly avoiding collisions. Terrified, she yelled to the driver, “Please be careful! It’s my first time in a taxi!” The driver shouted back, “No worries, ma’am. It’s my first time driving one!”
“What’s the punishment for bigamy? Having two mothers-in-law!”
“After three quick marriages in a year, the unlucky man got sentenced to four years. As the jail term was ending, he asked his lawyer, ‘Is it safe for me to come out?'”
A successful baseball club, part of a boys’ organization backed by a wealthy businessman, faced a challenge from a rival team. The businessman contributed money to the captain, instructing them to use it for buying bats, balls, gloves, or anything to ensure victory. On game day, the businessman noticed no new equipment on the field and questioned the captain about it.
“I don’t see any new gear,” he said.
“We didn’t buy any,” the captain admitted.
“But I gave you money for that,” the businessman exclaimed.
“Well, you said to spend it on anything that might help us win,” the captain explained, “so we gave it to the umpire!”
“Hey, have you seen that crowded graveyard? It’s like the hottest spot to be, people are just dying to get in
“Ever heard of the moon restaurant? Awesome food, but zero atmosphere.”
“You wanna hear a paper joke? Nah, forget it, it’s tearable.”
“You know what’s brown and sticky? Just a stick!”
“People say they pick their nose. Guess what? I was just born with mine.”
“What do you call a fake noodle? An impasta.”
“Hey, I’d steer clear of the sushi if I were you. It’s a bit fishy.”
“Boss, did you get a haircut?”
“No, I got them all cut!”
“What do you call a person who has lost his car?”
Two potatoes. One gets crushed, and the other goes, “Oh, mashed potato!”
Two tomatoes. One gets crushed, and the other goes, “Oh, tomato puree!”
“Mom, if I’m good, I go to heaven; if I’m bad, I go to hell.”
“And what do I do to go to the movies?”
What’s small, green, and moves up and down?
A tiny green pea in an elevator.
“I said, ‘I’ll call you later!’ And my Dad replied, ‘Please, call me Dad!'”
Johnny goes to his dad for 10 dollars.
Dad: “What’s it for?”
Johnny: “To give to an old lady!”
Dad: “That’s awesome, helping her out! And where is she?”
Johnny “Over there, selling ice cream!”
“I believe TV can lead to violence,” says Etienne.
“Why do you think that?” asks her friend.
“Because every time I turn on the light, my father yells at me!”
Kid: “Can I watch TV?”
Dad: “Sure, but keep it off.”
“Dad, can you put my shoes on?”
“No, I don’t think they’ll fit me.”
“Every time I hurt myself, even now, my dad says, “The good news is… it always feel better when it quits hurting.”
“Last week, my dad told me this one: ‘You know the guy who invented Lifesavers? They say he made a mint!'”
Why did the mountain climber name his son Cliff? Because it’s a peak name!
“Why did the cookie cry? Because his dad was a wafer (way-far) too!”
Dad at the Grocery Store: “Do you want the milk in a bag?”
Dad’s Classic Reply: “Nah, just leave it in the carton!”